I wish for a letter from my mother. It's selfish of me. I want to read that she knew all along that when I was pushing her away it was because I needed to (as my four year old says) "Do it myself." I compose this letter in my mind often. I tried to write it. I couldn't.
Next I decided to find the letter my mother's best friend wrote to me after Mom's death. It was a four pager filled with memories of my mother as a young girl in 1940s. It's about roller skating and Mom's big sisters. It's about the clothes they wore. It talked about Mom being so afraid of high school that she fainted on the first day, and my grandma came and got her and carried her home, so Mom didn't have to go. It talked about the kind of friendship that lasted five decades. I couldn't find the letter from Mary Hale, Mom's best friend, but I found a letter from my mother to me.
No, not the one I keep writing myself.
The letter I found was with my personal stuff because it contained important information. See, when I was in my 20's, I was mugged and lost my purse. I had to call Mom and have her send me some information so I could replace stuff. Last night I found the letter and recognized Mom's handwriting. God gave me such a gift last night. See, the last lines of my mother's letter read:
"I miss you so very much and I sure do love you. There's really not a lot ofI didn't need a letter, really. I needed the words.
news so I'll close to get this mailed. So remember that I love you."