By Carolyn Greene
The little girl in the photo smiled
back at me, her face familiar but very different than the way I remembered her
from my childhood.
I was hard on her back then. Told her she was skinny and ugly and blind as
a bat. Criticized her for daydreaming
when she should have been paying attention.
And curled a lip at the ever-present patches of excema between her
fingers and behind her ears. “That’s
disgusting,” I said. She quietly agreed
and hid her hands behind her back. Sometimes
I caught her praying to God to fix her.
Make her better than the horribly flawed person I told her she was.
She should have been more like her
older brother, I decided. Confident,
funny, and always ready with a quick reply.
Sure, she had a sense of humor, but her one-liners always came long
after the window of comic opportunity had closed. As for confidence, the only thing she was
sure about was which book she wanted to read next. She would lose herself in stories for hours
at a time, imagining herself to be as clever, attractive, and brave as the
characters she read about. I rolled my
eyes at her fantasies of taming wild stallions, solving mysteries, and
attracting the attention of the cutest guy in class.
I don’t know why I was so mean to
her. If my mother had heard the terrible
things I said to her, she most certainly would have set me straight. “God doesn’t make junk,” Mom would have
insisted. But I was careful not to let
anyone hear, so I never got the correction I needed.
Now, several decades later, I
stared at the photo and saw for the first time what a cute, sweet kid she was. And I felt horrible for leading her to
believe otherwise. She’s not as skinny
as she once was, her skin has finally cleared up, and glasses have given her
sharper focus. She still daydreams and
is sometimes slow to think of clever comebacks, but she’s finally turned those
former handicaps to her advantage: Her
daydreams now produce plenty of fodder for the stories she writes, and the
second draft is when she adds those late-but-clever comebacks.
She and I get along quite well
these days. That young girl – my former
self – shaped who I am today, for which I am grateful. And I’ve learned to be kinder to myself,
which is a good thing, because God doesn’t make junk.
Carolyn Greene is the mother of two and grandmother of one. She lives in Virginia with her husband and
two miniature pinschers. Carolyn writes romances
for Harlequin Love Inspired and inspirational mysteries for Guideposts
Books. Her next Love Inspired novel, UNEXPECTED REUNION, is the first in the Southern Blessings series and is set for release
in June 2014.
Posts
Beautifully said!
ReplyDeleteSuch a cute photo. Isn't it sad how hard we can be on ourselves? I love the quote your shared. God doesn't make junk. A good thing to remind ourselves every day!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Carolyn.
Oh, my, what a heartfelt post. I escaped into books, too.
ReplyDeletePamela
Well said! *hug*
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. It's amazing how often we are our own worst critics. Worse, critics of God's own handiwork.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn and Missy, I liked the God doesn't make junk quote, too. Will have to remember it.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful photo,
ReplyDeleteI think we all do that (or have others do it to us). Some comes from hearing others say things like you should be as good as your brother or your brother is so good at such and such you should be also, that we tend to say those things cos of it.
I am glad you love yourself now. For some of us it can take a long time.
Completely relate. I too escaped into books. That's why we need books for our kids!
ReplyDelete